


Monsters In My Head

by 1f_this_be_madness



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M, Mockingjay Spoilers, This has some mentions of PTSD and torture, Told from Katniss's POV, mentions of hijacking, mentions of tracker-jacker poisoning, takes place before the epilogue of Mockingjay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 07:03:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5488052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1f_this_be_madness/pseuds/1f_this_be_madness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After yet another awful dream, Katniss tries to explain to Peeta that she is a monster. He in turn has some revelations to share with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Monsters In My Head

“Peeta, it’s not just the dreams.” I whimper. “Sometimes I just want to—end people so they can’t get to me. I’m becoming rotten to the core. I CAN’T ESCAPE THE ARENA!” Burying my face in my hands, I refuse to look at him because I’m sure that there will be revulsion in his clear blue eyes.

Swallowing hard, my boy with the bread amazes me yet again. He doesn’t leave; instead Peeta pulls me close, whispering assurances.

“You WILL get through this, Katniss,” he tells me. “Of that I’m positive. And I will always be here.”

I turn my face away from his, trying desperately to stop the well of emotions from exploding out of me. However, this does not work, and soon my face and his shoulder are drenched in tears. I force myself to gasp,

“Look at me, Peeta, I’m monstrous. The Capitol—AND the rebels—always knew how to play me. Am I so predictable and easily corrupted?” Whispering brokenly, I at last raise my eyes to his, waiting for an answer. Peeta doesn’t reply right away. He mulls over my words carefully before speaking. I like this about him.

“You’ve never asked me what it was like to be hijacked, Katniss.” He says finally, frankly. I’m surprised by this comment. “And I was glad, because I am still not sure how I would answer you.” Taking a deep breath, he continues: “But you should know now the way I felt then. Tracker-jacker venom causes unbearable pain and hallucinations, as you remember. But—what if you experienced a memory of a loved one, like your sister. As this memory surfaced, fear or hatred was being shoved into you. At first, one can resist because the venom causes those hallucinations and that knowledge keeps you fighting. But what if every time you thought of Prim you were terrified of what she could do to you? That was how I felt—how I was forced to feel—whenever I thought about you.” 

It is here that I stop him and run to the bathing/cleaning room because my stomach is heaving. After being sick I return. I know he needs to say these things, so I prepare myself to keep listening.

“At times, there were flashes of clarity—like when I baked the cake for Finnick and Annie’s wedding, or whenever I passed you bread. I was confused, because these memories of you WEREN’T horrible, so I didn’t know what to think. Scared out of my mind, the only thing that I could think to do was hurt you. It became ingrained in me. I was monstrous. I could see it in the way everyone in District Thirteen looked at me, and I felt it all around.” Peeta’s voice has petered out. Tenderly, I touch his cheek.

“Oh, Peeta, but you returned to yourself! I—I have no idea who I am anymore.” My boy with the bread gently kisses me.

“Well you can be sure that I know who you are. And you’ll remember soon enough. Trust me.” I stare at him, incredulous.

“How can you have so much faith in me?!” Gazing steadily into my face, Peeta replies,

“Because I know and love you, Katniss Everdeen. And to you, failure has never been an option.”


End file.
